Interpersonal Skills

Interpersonal skills include the habits, attitudes, manners, appearance, and behaviors we use around other people which affect how we get along with other people. The development of interpersonal skills begins early in life and is influenced by family, friends, and our observations of the world around us. Television and movies also influence this area, but most of these characteristics are passed along to us by our parents or guardians. Some aspects of interpersonal skills are even inherited. Appearance and some personality traits are largely influenced by our genes. Healthy interpersonal skills reduce stress, reduce conflict, improve communication, enhance intimacy, increase understanding, and promote joy.

Talking is easy - communication,

which means an exchange with another, requires greater skill. An exchange that is a communion demands that we listen and speak skillfully, not just talk mindlessly. And interacting with fearful, angry, or frustrated people can be even more difficult, because we're less skillful when caught up in such emotions. Yet don't despair or resign yourself to a lifetime of miscommunication at work or home! Good communicators can be honed as well as born. Here are a few tips to get you started.

• Understand that people want to feel heard more than they care about whether you agree with them.
• Remember that what someone says and what we hear can be amazingly different! Our personal filters, assumptions, judgments, and beliefs can distort what we hear. Repeat back or summarize to ensure that you understand.
• Improve your listening skill. Most people think they listen well, but the truth is that most of people don't listen at all -- they just speak and then think about what they're going to say next. Goal for each individual needs to be to listen to what is being said. That way both people are heard!

Psychological context -

who you are and what you bring to the interaction. Your needs, desires, values, personality, etc., all form the psychological context. ("You" here refers to both participants in the interaction.)

Relational context -

your reactions to the other person--the "mix."

Situational context -

the psycho-social "where" you are communicating. An interaction that takes place in a classroom will be very different from one that takes place in a bar.

Environmental context -

the physical "where" you are communicating. Furniture, location, noise level, temperature, season, time of day, all are examples of factors in the environmental context.

Cultural context -

all the learned behaviors and rules that affect the interaction. If you come from a culture (foreign or within your own country) where it is considered rude to make long, direct eye contact, you will out of politeness avoid eye contact. If the other person comes from a culture where long, direct eye contact signals trustworthiness, then we have in the cultural context a basis for misunderstanding.

Assertiveness

Assertiveness is the ability to express yourself and your rights without violating the rights of others. It is appropriately direct, open, and honest communication which is self-enhancing and expressive. Acting assertively will allow you to feel self-confident and will generally gain you the respect of your peers and friends. It can increase your chances for honest relationships, and help you to feel better about yourself and your self-control in everyday situations. This, in turn, will improve your decision-making ability and possibly your chances of getting what you really want from life.

Conflict Resolution

Even with the best intentions, you and others may have different opinions and ideas on matters. This may lead to a conflict situation where both of you feel angry, upset, misunderstood or helpless. The following suggestions may help you resolve differences so that you may continue with the relationship in an effective way.

Intra personal

within the person. Examples are: moral dilemma, making a decision.

Interpersonal

between two or more individuals. Examples are: siblings disagreeing over using the car, boyfriend and girlfriend arguing, or difficulty with co-worker.

Intra group

between individuals within a group. Examples are: club raising money and cannot agree how to allocate it.

Inter group

between groups. Examples are: clubs disputing who gets to use a particular facility for an event.

Positive and Negative Aspects of Conflict Negative aspects:

• Conflict can lead to negative feelings between the parties involved.
• Can lead individuals or groups to close themselves off from one another (sets a bad precedent for future dealings with the conflicting party).
• Can waste time and energy if poor conflict style is used.

Positive Aspects:

• Forces the parties involved to examine a problem and work toward a solution.
• Can help people to gain new information and new ways of looking at things - can force us to explore new ideas.
• When it occurs in groups, working together to solve a problem can increase cohesiveness within the group.
• Confronting and wanting to solve a problem indicates a concern, commitment, and a desire to preserve the relationship.

Conflict Styles

Controlling, Collaborating( two heads are better than one), Compromising, Accommodating -paying attention to their concerns and neglecting your own. Avoiding - “Leaving well enough alone”

Conflict will usually DECREASE when:

• Those involved focus on the problem instead of each other
• Emotions of anger, fear and frustration are expressed directly rather than demonstrated indirectly.
• Threats are eliminated.
• Needs are openly discussed and acknowledged.

Improving Conflict Skills:

Conflict resolution is highly dependent upon good communication skills. Being an active listener tends to result in effective communication and conflict resolution.

Things that improve communication:

• Open-mindedness
• Accepting different opinions as valid
• Seeing others as equals with equal right to be heard
• Showing empathy and respect
• Listening carefully and actively

Anger Management

Anger is probably the most poorly handled emotion in our society. From time to time we all experience this very powerful feeling. Some of the common causes of anger include frustration, hurt, annoyance, disappointment, harassment and threats. It is helpful to realize that anger can be our friend or foe, depending on how we express it. Knowing how to recognize and express it appropriately can help us to reach goals, handle emergencies, solve problems and even protect our health. However, failure to recognize and understand our anger may lead to a variety of problems. Some experts believe that suppressed anger is an underlying cause of both anxiety and depression. Anger that is not expressed can disrupt relationships, affect thinking and behavior patterns, and create a variety of physical problems, such as high blood pressure, heart problems, headaches, skin disorders, and digestive problems. What's even worse is the correlation between the dangers of uncontrolled anger and crime, emotional and physical abuse, and other violent behavior.

You can help yourself to manage your anger by:

• Learning to become more aware of what you are feeling, and recognize your anger when it occurs. Notice your particular signs that anger is building (e.g. becoming tense, short with others, developing a headache, etc.).
• Asking yourself “What is really bothering me?” Notice whether it is an interaction with someone else or something inside you. Avoid displacing your anger toward individuals who are not the cause of your anger.
• De-escalating with a “time out” when you recognize the signs of anger. Let significant others know that you may need to walk away to calm down when you’re really angry. Take a deep breath. Go to a quiet place, and continue to use deep breathing to calm down.
• Examining your options for behaving when you are angry, and visualize how you might respond. Recognize that you are responsible for your anger. Situations may contribute to your feeling angry, but you are responsible for how you behave. You may be legitimately and appropriately frustrated with something, but you don’t have to be inappropriately hostile or hurtful to others. You are bigger than your feelings and can make choices about how you respond. Work on developing more positive behaviors to replace the negative ones.
• Learning how to assert yourself, and talk to the person who is triggering your anger. Use the physical and mental energy that is generated from feeling angry to channel your response to the situation. Help the person to see how their behavior is affecting you in a way that they can hear and is not threatening. Use “I statements” that describe how you feel, rather than accusing the other person.
• Recognizing that it’s your responsibility to express yourself appropriately to others, but their responsibility to deal with their own feelings in response.
• Developing activities that help you cope with anger. Exercise can help to diminish feelings of agitation and frustration. Practicing relaxation techniques on a daily basis can also help in coping with anger.